Wave the White Flag: Time to Surrender

In life we all have a pretty clear picture of what we think it is going to be like. We are told to go to school, get an education, find a decent job, save money, try and meet a good people, buy a house, get married, and have children. In that order precisely. What we think and what we actually do are two different things. The choices we make, the people we choose to have in our lives, the jobs we choose to take, the money we spend vs. save is all a part of a really tough learning process. It definitely makes the journey a little challenging at times. I wish someone would have told me at a young age that “life” can be a bit of a struggle if you make the wrong choices, that it can be hard and crude, and beyond challenging at times. I always thought I would graduate college, get my dream job, marry my boyfriend I was with for over 5 years and live happily ever after with the white picket fence and all.  Well, I was borderline delusional and living in a dreamland. Unfortunately, it didn’t exactly work out that way. I worked hard to get that great job, I still worked on the side additionally to save extra money, which left very little time for my personal and social life. I started missing fun events. A birthday here, a dinner party there, anything fun and exciting was a hard pass for me and I started to feel like all I was doing was working to pay my bills and save a little cash. Then what seems like an overnight nightmare the economy took a turn for the worst and jobs were cut. Considering I had taken on grad school and was shooting for the stars, I really thought that things would turn around quickly.  I was hopeful. Once again, I was wrong.  It took years before it turned around. What I didn’t know then was that the economy would take another hit and possibly the biggest in 2020 but we will get to that later. I still worked my side job to keep the cash flowing and the bills paid, but it is a lot to handle on your own in New York. My boyfriend had a hard time holding a job, insert red flag, which caused so much tension. I will say this from experience, there are a few things that will break a couple: money, sex, communication, money, & money. You get my point. The lack of his effort and motivation hurt my heart because I worked so hard. The hurt turned to anger and with the economy as it was, my burden of student loan debt didn’t make any situation easier.  What I didn’t know then was it was making me a warrior. A strong force to be reckoned with.
Lucky for me, I landed a great job. Good money, benefits, 401-K and all the other fluff stuff we are pushed to want in the professional world. I continued to progress and unfortunately my other half did not. This caused even more tension, it started to change the dynamic between the two of us drastically. I tried so hard to keep the bond we shared strong and unbreakable, but if you force a person to constantly bend, they eventually break. I broke. It was painful and sad, but I knew that my life was worth so much more than I was accepting. I had this vision of “what I was supposed to be doing” verses “what I was actually doing”. I know I allowed things to go on in my life that I shouldn’t have. I had let my choices and a person derail and completely hinder my path to what I actually wanted. Once I turned 30 things changed a lot. For the first time I started living for me doing what was best for Kristin. That is when my whole world started to change.

For so long, or as long as I can remember I was trying, wishing, and hoping for just a loving relationship that fulfilled my wants and needs. I simply mean having a partner that worked, made his own money, was intelligent, motivated, funny, independent, you know normal stuff. I wanted someone like me that busted their ass, making the best of every opportunity that came their way, and at the end of the day was a good person and companion. I had accepted the fact that I was 30 not married & had no children and I was ok with it. Looking back now I am grateful that my cards fell the way did.  If they didn’t I most likely would not be sharing any of this and God only knows where I would be.  I loved me, my life I had built for myself, and all the hard work and effort I had put in. I knew eventually one day I would get married and have children if that is what was in the cards for me. I continue to challenge myself and live life to the fullest. Everyday is a gift and I am very grateful for all I have. I came to the realization that “what we are supposed to be doing” doesn’t have to be in any particular order. When the time is right all of the puzzle pieces will fall into place. The point is do not get discouraged if life isn’t going according to the plan, just be true to yourself, love yourself, give love, be grateful, and always keep trying to achieve the best things life has to offer. There is someone out there for everyone, and the dream job is real, you just have to want it bad enough. All the good things in life do not come easy and hard work is a part of the process.  My advice is to stay positive on your journey and try to make the best choices possible. Be mindful of who you allow in your life and maybe just maybe one day you will be able to look back and say this entire journey has led me to this point and this is where I am supposed to be.  The crazy part is this was just the beginning of a long road of highest highs and the lowest lows.  I suggest you buckle up for the ride.