When I started this blog I was a lost soul and trying so hard to find myself. I just wanted to feel normal and I couldn’t seem to figure it out no matter how hard I tried. The darkness inside of me consumed my soul, filling me with a ton of negative energy. My vicious routines had me going through the motions and achieving nothing. The drugs and alcohol clouded my judgement, the horrible self body image kept me hating myself, and the revolving door of poor choices was just the cherry on top. Unfortunately, we are our own worst enemy at times. Perhaps, we are so use to the feeling of despair we avoid trying to find true happiness. I wish I knew back then that I held the power to actually change up my entire mindset, but what is the fun in that? Over the course of my life, I have experienced extreme highs and very low lows. Even at my absolute worst, I was still learning and always had hope that better days were ahead. I guess that is the silver lining to my story. I will say that seeing real personal growth is beautiful, and it helps you put things into perspective.
When I started this blog, I used writing as an outlet mainly so I wouldn’t lose my mind and punch people in the throat. I was very angry and frustrated internally. I used to bottle things up and then let them explode, I was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any given second. When you live with lies and have so many secrets you become filled with anger, crippling anxiety, overwhelming sadness, and a lot of rage. My mistakes from all that pain alone have led me to this point in my life. I also see clearly that my coping skills were non existent. If I had been better prepared and or educated with the tools necessary to navigate these murky waters, this journey of mine would have been totally different. I really believe that it all happened for a reason though. When it comes to writing now, I feel that I write to help others know they are not alone. You are never alone. I am blessed I am able to express myself and creatively share my experiences with you.
Looking back I realize that my self-worth was altered at a pretty young age. I am sure a lot of us have those moments that stick with us. I remember being teased in grade school about my teeth, the shoes I wore, the backpack I carried, I mean hell you name it and I was bullied for it. It was the same in junior high, I was too chubby and too tall. In hindsight kids are fucking cruel. I know now that those poor kids who bullied me were direct reflections of their shitty upbringing. I also know that hurt people, hurt people. This is what ultimately started my negative body image which led to a downward spiral of emptiness. We all become products of our environment and my environment was toxic, so I embraced that fully. Those feelings were the biggest links in the chain that was wrapped around my neck for the next 20 years of my life. I know this is relatable and that is why I share my journey and I pray it reaches the right eyes. I knew even in my darkest moments I wanted more out of life. It was deep rooted in me, in the core of my being that there was something bigger and greater for me to do. The change starts with you. You have to believe in yourself with your whole heart and know that this road takes a lot of healing, patience, and love. My greatest advice is to start loving yourself, do all of the things that bring you happiness, set strong boundaries, say no to things that do not serve you, and be consistent with positive impactful choices. Those choices will catapult you into the light and out of the dark.
courageously choosing you 