Tag: anxiety

Your Secrets Keep You Sick: Embracing Powerlessness and Finding Empowerment

“She stared into a nearly empty bottle wondering what her life had become. At first glance, she saw countless memories, endless nights of laughter, and waves of excitement. When she took a second glance all she saw was pain, shame, guilt, mistakes, and a tremendous amount of regret. A stillness whisked through the room leaving the option to soothe the tornado of turmoil in her mind or bring this paralyzing chapter to an end, and although she was used to pacifying these feelings that aided in her addiction, she knew this drink could possibly be her last”.

I am her and this is my take on recovery:

I want to preface all of this with the journey to recover from addiction as well as mental health issues is a path marked by courage, resilience, and profound transformation. This begins with the acknowledgment of a simple but powerful truth: your secrets keep you sick. The entire process takes leaps and bounds into the deepest corners of your being, bringing the most dreadful feelings straight to the surface. There is no other choice but to bare down and begin to uproot and untangle the years of repressed emotions, events, and trauma you buried so deep, you thought they were actually gone. There comes a time to let the secrets out and the healing begin, if chosen otherwise it could be detrimental to your very existence. Addiction generally masks things we do not want to deal with, which then leads to other symptoms, creating a much bigger problem. What cannot been seen to the naked eye in the very moments of its destruction will come to light sooner than later. It all comes down to a simple but frightening choice, do you want to live or do you want to die.

Once you have made the right choice, that is when the real work begins. Acceptance is the first pivotal step. This acceptance does not mean resignation but rather recognizing the reality of your situation as a foundation for transformation. The paradox of all of this is that true power comes from acknowledging powerlessness over addiction. Once you cross that bridge, you are open to the thought of surrender. Through surrender, you gain a new kind of power, the power to seek help, focus on change, and to build a new life. Many find strength in believing in a higher power that guides them or having a connection to something greater than themselves. Willpower alone is not going to cut it. This entire process offers a chance to explore your identity where you learn to appreciate your strengths and weaknesses. You begin to grow when you recognize and accept all parts of yourself that have led you to this point, ultimately understanding how you have become the person you are today. It is important to cultivate self-love by forgiving yourself for past mistakes and embrace the changes that develop. Recovery is a very delicate balancing act. Finding equilibrium between work, relationships, and healthy activities is crucial. Establishing a routine that includes time for therapy, meetings, and self-care helps maintain this balance. Through all of this your support system will be revealed. The encouragement and understanding from family, friends, therapists, and support groups will form the backbone of your recovery. Unfortunately, others will turn their backs, unable to understand your journey. While painful, this makes it clear who genuinely cares about your well-being. Make a deal with yourself that if anything hinders your peace, happiness, or sobriety, it must be removed from your life permanently. Being vulnerable and honest with yourself and others is a beautiful thing. It is imperative to come to terms with the concept of time and control. Time is the one thing we can never get back, so do the things that consist of self-love and mindfulness. We cannot control what others feel, think, or do, we can only control how we react to them. Through all of these highs and lows you become stronger and more resilient. Your self-worth reappears and you begin walk in your power, knowing you are capable of anything if you are willing to dedicate the time and consistency it takes to achieve the greatness you know you deserve. This is empowerment, embrace it. Stay focused on self-love and creating healthy boundaries, with this you will continue to learn and grow in this new normal you have been gifted.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend: The Downward Spiral

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Photo by YURI MANEI on Pexels.com

When I started this blog I was a lost soul and trying so hard to find myself. I just wanted to feel normal and I couldn’t seem to figure it out no matter how hard I tried. The darkness inside of me consumed my soul, filling me with a ton of negative energy.  My vicious routines had me going through the motions and achieving nothing. The drugs and alcohol clouded my judgement, the horrible self body image kept me hating myself, and the revolving door of poor choices was just the cherry on top. Unfortunately, we are our own worst enemy at times.  Perhaps, we are so use to the feeling of despair we avoid trying to find true happiness.  I wish I knew back then that I held the power to actually change up my entire mindset, but what is the fun in that?  Over the course of my life, I have experienced extreme highs and very low lows.  Even at my absolute worst, I was still learning and always had hope that better days were ahead.  I guess that is the silver lining to my story.  I will say that seeing real personal growth is beautiful, and it helps you put things into perspective.

When I started this blog, I used writing as an outlet mainly so I wouldn’t lose my mind and punch people in the throat. I was very angry and frustrated internally.  I used to bottle things up and then let them explode,  I was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any given second.  When you live with lies and have so many secrets you become filled with anger, crippling anxiety, overwhelming sadness, and a lot of rage.  My mistakes from all that pain alone have led me to this point in my life.  I also see clearly that my coping skills were non existent.  If I had been better prepared and or educated with the tools necessary to navigate these murky waters, this journey of mine would have been totally different.  I really believe that it all happened for a reason though.  When it comes to writing now, I feel that I write to help others know they are not alone. You are never alone. I am blessed I am able to express myself and creatively share my experiences with you.

Looking back I realize that my self-worth was altered at a pretty young age.  I am sure a lot of us have those moments that stick with us.  I remember being teased in grade school about my teeth, the shoes I wore, the backpack I carried, I mean hell you name it and I was bullied for it.  It was the same in junior high, I was too chubby and too tall.  In hindsight kids are fucking cruel.  I know now that those poor kids who bullied me were direct reflections of their shitty upbringing.  I also know that hurt people, hurt people.  This is what ultimately started my negative body image which led to a downward spiral of emptiness.  We all become products of our environment and my environment was toxic, so I embraced that fully.  Those feelings were the biggest links in the chain that was wrapped around my neck for the next 20 years of my life.  I know this is relatable and that is why I share my journey and I pray it reaches the right eyes. I knew even in my darkest moments I wanted more out of life.  It was deep rooted in me, in the core of my being that there was something bigger and greater for me to do.  The change starts with you. You have to believe in yourself with your whole heart and know that this road takes a lot of healing, patience, and love.  My greatest advice is to start loving yourself, do all of the things that bring you happiness, set strong boundaries, say no to things that do not serve you, and be consistent with positive impactful choices. Those choices will catapult you into the light and out of the dark.