I had the pleasure of finding an old blog I wrote around 2016-2017. This thing was locked and loaded with goodies. Dear lord hear me when I say there was poor writing, repetitive word vomit, negative projections, and a somewhat bitter tone.
I was perplexed with some of the content I stumbled across but I also saw a pattern almost instantly. I continuously wrote about how happy I finally was and honestly at that point I was not that happy. Nonetheless, I was projecting a lot and being able to see that was good for me and totally relatable to the therapy I am currently doing. I have never been shy about seeing a therapist or taking meds. To me the meds were a band-aid to a deep cut that I realized I could actually heal on my own with the proper care. I can say that with confidence now due to some life altering situations and countless years of therapy. The wounds do heal. Clearly, I have learned a little something along the way. Now, back to the dumpster fire I called a blog that I wrote many moons ago. My clear consensus on the descriptive yet slightly aggressive text and subtext was I was dying to be what those words read. I was yearning to be happy and healthy and all the other bullshit I splattered across those pages. I was on my way, but I was NOT even close to being there. See, my problem is I can definitely overcome challenges or hardships, whatever you choose to call it. Once I conquer one insanely complex problem I think in my crazy mind I can take on the world now or I’m healed. Negative ghost rider, I was so far from the finish line and my ignorance was just an unhealed version of myself that I didn’t even really know. Hell, I wasn’t even half way through the thick of it yet. I really thought I had cracked the code. That is laughable. My growth since then helps me see the humor in the pain of my past.
Another hard pill to swallow was seeing the toxic yet predictable pattern in the individuals I chose to date. Dear God, if you are up there listening, I am sorry for I have sinned. Over and over for many years. I’m not sure if that is considered a sin or complete lapse in judgement. Let’s just go with poor self-worth, mixed with a touch of self-hatred, and a dash of self-sabotage. That my friends is a recipe for a total disaster. That disaster was my life. The saddest part to all of that is, after I wrote that blog about love, gratitude, happiness, blah blah fucking blah. Guess what? I did the same shit a few more times. Like, I was going for the Guinness book of world records for dating complete and total schmucks. If you are reading or hearing about this and you crossed my path in the past, take a breath, not all of you were total wastes of life. Although, if you are bothered by my words I am going to guess you fall into the “schmuck” category. For that I can say sorry, not sorry. On a real note I am to blame too and I know I allowed unacceptable behavior and intolerable bullshit. So, shame on me too. If you are on your self-love journey please avoid the disaster cocktail I mentioned above.
Now, fast forward to present day, I am still seeing a therapist but I switched it up this time. I didn’t wait until my world collapsed to seek help. With the gentle nudge from two of my biggest supporters, I decided to actually do the work this time and fix all the shit I had projected to be good and normal for so long. I am not saying there were not good or happy moments in my life. I hope this doesn’t read as a totally negative sob story or pity party. That is not the point I am trying to drive home here. Until this very moment in my life, did I actually have that AH HA moment I thought I had so long ago. We live and we learn, right? I hope to God, because at this point my broken record of crap choices is simply that; broken. Like snapped in half. No more. Done.
A good friend once told me one day you just get to a point where you have had enough and that is it. Game over. Well, folks I think I made it to the next level. I am not quite to the finish line just yet, but definitely a little closer than I was before. I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am grateful for that because it became pretty dark on this side. On top of that I actually see myself for who I really am and if I can be honest I think I am pretty awesome. If your into that OCD, self-loving, natal chart reading, witchy vibing, kind of crazy type.
Now, it is on to the next chapter. I am pretty excited for what is ahead. I am motivated and in a different honest headspace. I am not sure I have ever been this honest and open. It’s all for the greater good. This mission I am on is to shed light on the crazy events or circumstances people actually go through and to give them hope that there is always an answer or a solution to better yourself. Also, to point out the wild people we cross paths with that literally make imprints on our souls that inevitably lead us to who we become. I am pumped to take you on this journey with me.
courageously choosing you 