How many times on a daily basis do you find yourself saying “I wish I was a little taller, thinner, wiser, faster, richer, stronger? We all tend to wish a lot of things at times. Some are possible and some are a bit further out of reach than others, but really anything is possible right? It is possible to see a super model in the magazine and think “I want to be just like that” and with the proper training and consistency, you could probably get pretty close to the goal you set. Unfortunately, we live in the world with a mentality of I want it and I want it now. The crazy part to all of that nonsense is nothing good in life comes easy and it generally doesn’t come quickly either. I learned that at a young age, if you truly want something that is worth anything you are going to have to work real hard to get it. Key words here are hard work. We all know those two words, most of us use them often. Saying and doing are two totally different things and for some this is one of those hard lessons to learn. I was the queen of saying and simply never doing, and looking back now that is a wild thing to wrap my head around considering I get super annoyed when people do that present day. Due to this lapse in judgment my hopes and dreams literally just continued to be just that because I never took any action. I would get very excited and motivated about life, work, a relationship, anything worth meaning, but eventually I let it slip through my fingers and knowing what I know now, it is all do to fear or a volatile form of self-sabotage. Either way, both of those things really suck. I was depleted of any self-worth or self-esteem. I was going through the motions of a normal life, but inside I was starved for anything real. In hindsight, I was an empty black hole and the void was simply to big to fill or so I thought. I chose to let people into my life that I should have never let anywhere near me. Fortunately, for me I learned a lot of valuable lessons from those people. I can say with confidence those were possibly the most important lessons I have ever learned, even though it was from those very people that sucked every bit of good out of me. Let me back track just a tiny bit.
When we are young we are taught to have goals and dreams. We all want to be successful. Some of us go on to do just that, I applaud and commend those people. There is another portion of people that play their cards safe, get an education, find a decent job, not a dream but a job, and live life. Then there are people like me who go to school and end up doing something completely different than what they had planned, and then there is the wild cards, who go crazy and never have any true direction. Point being is, we all have some goal in mind or some important thing that drives us. Growing up I always wanted to be the best in every aspect of my life, I believe that stemmed from my upbringing and childhood trauma but that is another story another day. I feel most of us are raised and taught to strive for the absolute best no matter what. That is where I ran into my first real problem in life. Wanting to be the “BEST” at everything. It hurts when you get defeated, rejected, or outcasted. Sometimes, that hurt that we feel can be damaging in more ways than our mind can even fathom. I quickly found out that even if I worked as hard as possible, there was a chance that I may lose the game, not get an A+ on the test, not get the time I anticipated on that mile run. Some, take that and turn it into gasoline to make that fire inside them burn stronger. I made a mistake by letting that fire burn me alive. With that came self-doubt, a plummet in the old self-esteem, a plethora of self-pity. Those are the exact things that will send your world crashing and crumbling down around you. Yet, there I was pretending to be happy, the outgoing little butterfly, athletic, motivated, ambitious girl that looked normal on the outside, but was spiraling out of control on the inside. Body image was something I didn’t think about as a kid, even though I got teased and tortured about my teeth and height when I was young. I thank Christophe-Francois Delabarre for inventing braces in the 1800’s because this little girl was in desperate need of some orthodontic assistance. I moved to the Indiana after my parents brutal divorce. Let me tell you, that was a complete doozie and played a huge part in my deep rooted traumas and beyond poor body image as a teenager into my adult life. I literally became fixated on my appearance and it all led back to my extreme lack of self-worth, self-esteem, self-love, you get the point.
For the longest time I was like a chameleon, morphing into all these different people because I was trying to find myself. I was always trying to please others just to be accepted and I would do just about anything to fit in. I got teased about my weight and height here and there, which in the beginning didn’t really bother me. Until it did. That is when my entire world changed and I started living a double life fueled by starvation, binging, and purging. If anyone reading this is living this way currently or has in the past you know what I mean when I say it is completely draining and consumes your whole world. The string of events that followed once I lost my self-confidence consisted of so many horrible mood swings, outbursts, and downright intolerable behavior. I feel bad for anyone that was along for the ride at that point and if you are still with me, I must say thank you from of the bottom of my heart for believing in me, and I LOVE YOU! I chose the greatest form of self-sabotage and I let it run my life for well over a decade. I have never openly spoken about this topic and some of the closest people in my lives may not know, but I’m sure they had an idea. I am generally an open book at times, but not with this. Some things are embarrassing and so beyond scary to discuss. You have to really be open and ready to talk about things that are real like this. I was sick and I knew it every time I looked in the mirror. Obsessed with my weight and the food I consumed. I couldn’t even ingest a morsel of food without thinking about how to get it out as fast as possible. That alone is tiring and super depressing.
Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating in the United States. Only 1 in 10 men and women with eating disorders receive treatment. Only 35% of people that receive treatment for eating disorders get treatment at a specialized facility for eating disorders. Almost 50% of people with eating disorders meet the criteria for depression. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Those are just a few statistics to get everyone on the same page. It is real, it is serious, and it will kill you if you let it. I am choosing to speak out about this because I chose to change my life. It was so hard, I can say some of the hardest work I have ever done, but I did it and it was worth it. I am so grateful I made it out alive, and I am not a part of the death toll that rises every day from these specific diseases. I want to bring awareness to people so that they too can get the proper help that is readily available. After over 15 years of binging and purging or straight starving myself I surrendered. I felt so defeated and that is when I really looked deep inside myself and saw way more to my life than what it was. I knew I was put on this earth for more than just going through the motions of life. I am here to help bring awareness to people that suffer from these life altering choices. If I can change my life and my stubborn ways, I know that anyone can if they truly want to. I was so afraid and my fear is what paralyzed me into believing I could never get better because I was in too deep. That is the bullshit you make up in your head to keeping doing the dumb shit that got you into that position in the first place. Excuses, they are constant when you try to justify bad behavior. At some point self-worth needs to rear its pretty little head and smack the clouded judgement out of you so you can see your actual worth and how great you really are. Once I made the conscious decision to truly change my life, I felt like superwoman, unstoppable, almost invincible at times and let me tell you today I walk with my head held high and my shoulders back because I am proud of who I am and what I have overcome with my eating disorder. Those dreams I had as a kid did come true, because I am the best that I can be and I get better every day. I think everyone should get to feel the joys of life and all it has to offer. We sometimes have to hit rock bottom to look up and see how far we have fallen. The easy part was falling all that way. The hardest part is actually taking care of yourself. There is no quick fix with something as serious as this. Hard work is required, not just to recover but to also heal from the inside out. If you know anyone who struggles with an issue like this and it is keeping them from living a better, healthier life, please put out your hand to help. Say something even if you get yelled at or lied to. I will tell you this it is worth saying, because that may be the one time it clicks for them and could possibly save their life. I know that we can all relate to this somehow or know someone who can relate to this in some way. Take a stand for your life and know your worth. Tell yourself everyday you are beautiful, courageous, wonderful, and worth something. Life is what you make it, so make it absolutely amazing.
courageously choosing you 